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Monday, March 16, 2009

The Endless Love of a Mother

This entry comes to us from Emily (Swirl's sister) @ Stepping Stones. I love this entry because it emphasizes the magic that love and support provide through the pain. And I love love love the soothing fabric. Mahalo Emily. LY!

When my son Gabriel was stillborn, we were blindsided. I had no idea that in this age of modern medicine babies still died. It was something that happened back in the pioneer days, or maybe third world countries. Not now, not to me.


Coming home from the hospital I refused to wear my maternity clothes- what a cruel joke. And yet, none of my regular clothes fit me. My mom bought me a pair of pajama pants- a field of deep blue with stars. So cozy and comfortable. I wore those pants probably for the first month straight. I holed up in my room, watching MASH reruns and sleeping. And my family and neighbors let me do what I needed to do- shut down for a little bit. They took my kids back and forth to school. They dropped off meals to feed my kids. I remember so much love expressed from those days. Sadness, too, but lots of love.

Even still I wear those pants, even now. And I have worn them through two subsequent pregnancies and the sleep deprived days of nursing new babies. They are faded and worn, but so comfortable.

I went to the fabric store last night intending to get a piece of cloth with little bugs on it- ladybugs, maybe. (Gabriel's nickname was 'goldbug', from when we were reading a Richard Scarry book to our then 4 and 5 year old when we told them we were going to have a baby.) Or maybe a piece with butterflies- butterflies are symbolic to so many. But I was drawn to these blues. The deeper blue in particular. They look so similar to the pajama pants. I remember the love my mom expressed when she got them for me and gave me permission to mourn. The love of those days as I grieved my baby. And the sleepless nghts and days as I have nursed my new babies.

The starry design symbolic of endless love of a mother for her children, through the eternities.This is for anyone, anywhere, remembering their children.

peace- emily


Heidi said...

Wow! So sorry, Emily! But what perfect fabric!

Emily said...

Thanks for posting this, Crash!

Amanda said...

love the fabrics and always lovin' baby goldbug.

LBBlum said...

I love that- so many times we tell people to 'buck up' and 'look on the bright side'...
ya know..

sometimes mourning and allowing ourselves space to be sad... is what we need.

this is going to be a very magical quilt indeed!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I agree with Laura, I can feel the magic already.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry it has taken a while for me to get back to you. I would love to have you use my story and will come up with some fabric to send that is symbolic of the love blanket that started it all.

Will contact you when I get the fabric off. Maybe 2 weeks, since I have the flu at my house right now.

I love the stories that are shared here. They are wonderful.